Mercredi 4 juin 2008 à 18:51

J'hallucine mes nuits. Les énormes araignées sous les lampadaires de la jetée du lac, les insomnies à étouffer chez moi. Oh bien sûr je n'y suis pas souvent. Mais franchement. Des hurlements qu'il faudrait taire, parfois, et qui le sont tellement qu'il n'en reste même plus un souffle dans l'air. Il n'y a même pas d'orage pour alléger ce poids... J'ai passé des nuits et des nuits à écouter la moiteur de l'air et à ne m'endormir qu'avec l'orage et ses lourdes gouttes, le bruit des bambous fouettant rageusement la cabane, mais c'était il y a longtemps. Ou pas, je ne sais plus. J'ai perdu la notion du temps. Perdu les évènements au fur et à mesure. J'ai seulement retrouvé quelques personnes, mais tant et tant de temps se sont écoulés depuis que je ne suis pas vraiment certaine de les reconnaître. N', par exemple. Si attendrissant et si lassant à la fois. Cette envie de lui dire : "Je te connais par coeur, s'il te plaît, surprends-moi, fais-moi éclater le crâne et le coeur et le corps." et peut-être même que dans le fond il l'a deviné. Il se laisse tellement moins atteindre qu'avant.
A', aussi. Encore elle-même et pourtant différente. Trop de choses se sont passés. Personne n'a vraiment oublié. Nous faisons semblant, c'est tout. Et pourtant, je l'aime bien. Vraiment. Mais cela crée encore des tensions. Si facile de se pardonner et de ne rien pardonner aux autres. Alors qu'aucune de nos raisons n'étaient valables. Aucune de nous n'a pardonné.
Tous les jours je parcours les trottoirs de Paris et la salle sombre, et tous ces visages et F' qui me dit "Tu plaîts beaucoup au jeune homme de la 7" et moi qui rigole et lui qui me dit que non c'est sérieux, d'ailleurs est-ce que t'es libre en ce moment ? Et moi de répondre non, mais tu sais, ce n'est pas vraiment sérieux... Il faudrait ne pas autant aimer les garçons. Je marche et je souris aux habitués, je vois les mêmes gens tous les jours, les plombiers, leurs patrons, mon père, Mr M', Mr Q', R', plein de gens, de clients que j'appelle par leur prénom mais que je ne connais même pas. L'agitation et le bruit et puis merde. Tout envoyer dans le mur. Le seul avantage, c'est 15h, la fin du service, la clope dehors, la paye. Salut et à demain, compter les jours du lundi au vendredi, et enfin le week-end, bien trop court, et passé à l'hosto ces derniers temps, encore une fois pour aider et soutenir celui qui n'aidera pas. Peut-être que je paraîts bien pessimiste, mais à quoi bon nier les évidences ? Les évènements restent interprétables, dans n'importe quel état de délabration mentale que l'on soit. Je sais ce qu'il veut, et ce qu'il ne veut pas. Petit macho-man arrogant qui vient pleurer dans mes bras. Non, je ne le méprise pas. Il m'amuse. Et m'attendrit. Ca n'a pas tellement d'importance, de toute façon, sa manière d'être avec moi. Ca ne me touche pas vraiment, mais je l'aime bien quand même. Si seulement il pouvait me surprendre... je crois que je fondrais instantanément. Mais bon, il veut faire son kéké. Ok baby. Je ne suis pas dupe. Et je n'attendrai pas éternellement son bon vouloir. Plus jamais comme avant, j'ai dit. Je m'y tiendrai ferme. Si un autre beau garçon croise ma route, alors peut-être que nos petits arrangements ne tiendront plus. Moi aussi, j'ai changé.

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