"Parce que tu crois que j'en ai quelque chose à foutre, de ta putain de carte de merde ?! Je peux la balancer quand je veux, merde.
- Jette-la, alors. Qu'est-ce tu veux que ça me foute.
- Aucun problème, ça me fera même plaisir.
- Y'a qu'être un conard qui t'fait bander, 'faut croire."
Tout ça pour faire demi-tour et aller la rechercher sur la route, boueuse et fripée, comme si cela suffisait à oublier. Mais c'est comme si c'était moi que t'avais laissée là-bas, t'y as laissé tout ce que je suis, et même si tu es retourné la chercher, elle est dégueulasse maintenant, et moi c'est pareil, je me sens dégueulasse. Ne fais pas semblant de comprendre, laisse-moi au moins ça, tu ne peux quand même pas tout prendre.
Je suis retombée, encore une fois, sur de vieux mots qui devaient avoir un sens auparavant, et désormais il arrive ce que j'ai si longtemps redouté : je ne comprends plus. Je sais juste que sur le coup cela semblait logique, mais je ne comprends plus du tout. Je reste là, hésitante, étonnée devant l'assurance de mes mots, devant leur colère parfois, et je cherche, je cherche ce qui pouvait justifier tout ça. Et je n'ai même pas des bouts de début de réponse. Cela demeure vaguement angoissant, de ne plus du tout savoir le pourquoi de tant de désespoir.
Le week-end a été alcoolique, entre mojito, bières, vins, champagne, martini et vodka, mais il fallait bien ça, je crois.
Lundi 16 février 2009 à 14:42
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