Il vient tout à l'heure. Je ne sais plus si j'ai envie ou pas.
Je sais que je ne le reconnaîtrai pas.
Quelques phrases et c'est facile de rejeter, de repousser, d'effacer. Il faut me retenir, planter ses ongles dans ma peau, me retenir de toutes ses forces, sinon, sans dire un mot, je m'éloigne. Et mes regards ne sont plus jamais tendres, et ma bouche n'est plus jamais douce, et mes gestes sont brusques et impatients. Je me donne alors comme on s'abandonne.
On commence toujours une histoire, puis, simple question de temps, l'un finit par prendre la décision de glisser de cette histoire dans une autre où nous ne sommes plus les mêmes, et il ne sait pas qu'il ne m'atteint déjà plus, qu'il ne franchit plus la barrière de mes regards et de mon ironie, qu'il ne me touche plus, et quand il me dit qu'il m'aime, je lui dis que moi aussi, en taisant les mots amers que j'ai envie d'ajouter, ces mots :
"Je t'aime, mais pour quoi faire ? Au nom de quoi ? De Chloé, que tu voudrais à toi et à moi ? Je t'aime mais ne veut pas renoncer à ma liberté, ne m'accompagne pas aux soirées, je ne viendrai pas aux tiennes, ne me prends pas dans tes bras quand j'ai envie de pleurer, ne me touche pas quand je regarde dans le vide. Tu as décidé de t'approcher de mes amis, tu t'éloignes de moi, c'était un choix, je t'avais pourtant implicitement prévenu des conséquences, tu n'as pas voulu comprendre, tu es grand, débrouilles-toi, débats-toi, ne te plains plus auprès de moi, car je n'ai aucune compassion, ni aucune pitié à t'offrir. Puisque maintenant, avec toi aussi, je dois me garder A l'Abri, puisque je te regarde et que je ne te reconnais plus, puisque plus de quinze jours sans se voir arrivent et que cela m'est égal, parce que ça t'est égal. La violence du silence et de l'indifférence, de tous ces gestes que tu ne fais pas, de toutes ces paroles que je ne prononce pas."
Je pourrais lui prendre la main, le faire asseoir à côté de moi, lui parler sans lui lâcher la main, en le regardant dans les yeux. Je n'ai pas envie. J'ai passé trop de temps à expliquer, à essayer de me faire comprendre en vain, qu'il se débrouille, que tout le monde se débrouille.
smoking.gun
La vie est tout simplement un mauvais quart d'heure composé d'instants exquis. [O. Wilde]
Citations
"Je ne peux plus rien pour toi, Billy. Tu le sais. Personne ne peut rien. Il faut que tu comprennes que, dès qu'un homme va au secours d'un autre, il s'ouvre tout grand. Il faut être prudent, Billy ; tu devrais le savoir comme tout le monde." Ken KeseyIl y a un an
Il ne se passait rien...Dimanche 24 décembre 2006Vendredi 31 juillet 2015
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